Sho(la)down. Round Four.

… Or how to use statistics to prove any point you want, even if it is ridiculous…

Welcome to the fourth in what is, pretty much, the most regular feature on this site: the bit where I compare Shola to some of the world’s leading strikers…

Round Four.

Who is next?

Demba Ba.

Reet lads. I’m off.

What better time to remind Newcastle fans of what they have? We’ll see below if the loss of Demba Ba is as great as people fear, especially with the Pendower Pele still on the books.

But first, a quick distraction. I just realised I have a tag on my blog for ‘Jamie Redknapp’s spicy sex life’. Yep, it surprised me too. You can check it out here.

Sordid stuff.

Anyway, on with the comparison. No expense spared. No facts needed.

Demba Ba Shola Ameobi
Number 19. No real fables or myths surrounding that number. Except for why Steve Watson stopped doing the forward roll throw-in. Was it just age? Who knows… 4/10

Squad number

The Big Sho has stuck with number 23 through thick and thin. Like Michael Jordan. Jordan was like the sporting equivalent of John the Baptist, and the Shields Shevchenko is the sporting equivalent of Jesus. And you can’t get better than that. 10/10
Played great as the main striker last season, and then slotted in effortlessly out wide once Papiss Cisse arrived. But it wasn’t effortless, was it? No – he didn’t want to do it and threw his toys out of the pram. As a result, Cisse usually got bumped out wide this season, a position he is nowhere near as suited to as Demba is. Selfish. 6/10

Playing on the wing

Up front, on the wing, in goal, offside, the Heaton Hagi will play anywhere in his own unique style. 10/10
Would rather shoot then pass to his compatriot. Mind, in many cases, this season at least, that worked out better. 3/10

Passing to Papiss Cisse

The Monkseaton Matthews will pass to anyone, even if it is accidental. Having said that, do you remember Cisse’s second goal at Chelsea last season? Expertly chested by The Big Sho back to Cisse for one of the best goals of the season. Watch it here – it’s on a loop. 4/10
Hoyed his toys out of the pram (again) against Everton at start of season when he was brought on as a sub at half-time. 0/10


The Fenham Eusebio has certainly done his share of benchwarming. He recently equalled Kanu’s record, having made his 118th Premier League substitute appearance. He lives for being on the bench, daydreaming about fancy hats. 10/10
Demba has five brothers. None are professional footballers. One is his official agent. He can’t be very good at it, though, as he needs about forty-three representatives. 2/10


Two of the Killingworth Klinsmann’s brothers have played professional football. In fact, the only reason Newcastle never signed Tomi was that they thought playing three Ameobis in the same team would be so dangerous it would destroy the game of football. 10/10
Not going as he couldn’t lead Senegal to qualification. 2/10

African Cup of Nations

The Lagos Laudrup is also not going, but this is by choice. Look at his record – 1 game for Nigeria, and they are unbeaten in all of the games he played. The country needs him, but he knows his people, the fans of our great NUFC, need him more. 7/10
None. He even missed a penalty against them. Has the Saltwell Park Socrates ever missed a penalty? Against anyone? Has he fuck. It’s bad enough that he didn’t score against the Mackems, but to actually score for them… -10/10

Goals v mackems

It is well known that the Rye Hill Ronaldo loves playing against the unwashed. Seven goals against them. No missed penalties. No own goals. I bet he does a cracking piss-take mackem accent: “heeyor, marra, stop scoring past us”. Then he laughs. Loudly. Triumphantly. 10/10
No complaints. All he cost was his signing-on fee, and his wages were reasonable. Could have got a higher fee for him from Chelsea (Torres for 50 million!!), if it wasn’t for the release clause. 8/10

Value for Money

The Walker Weah cost the Toon nowt, and we have gotten eleven and a half years from him. That is like dividing by zero. Which everyone knows you can’t do, as the answer is Shola*. 10/10
Two of them. Led to him failing a medical at Stoke, setting off the chain of events that led him to Barrack Road on a heavily-incentivised contract. Never missed a game for us due to a problem with his knees, though.  6/10


Two of them. Doesn’t have a long-term degenerative knee condition. 10/10
“Demba Ba has done great hasn’t he, everybody is looking at him suddenly. Anybody could have had him a year ago. Full credit to Alan Pardew, he took him. He is probably the most in-form striker anywhere at the moment. They say there is a release clause in his contract, that is what we all hear. It will be interesting to see what happens there, but at the moment he is doing great things for Newcastle.” (Jan 7, 2012). 10/10

‘Arry Redknapp scale

As far as I can see, ‘Arry Redknapp didn’t try to unsettle the Cochrane Park Caniggia. But that could also be because he doesn’t like talking about players who are under contract to another club. Even if they have a release clause. 0/10

So, what are the scores on the doors?

Demba Ba scores 31/100.

The Kenton Kaka scores 81/100.

So, there you have it folks. A decisive points victory for Stoke’s greatest-ever striker against Stoke’s almost-second greatest ever striker. They both still hate Stoke though. Just not as much as they hate mackems.

Keep the faith.

This Toon ain’t big enough for the both of we!

*I have used this joke before, but I like it. So, there.

About Neil

28 years old. Geordie. Lived in Berlin almost three years. All-round canny lad.
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