Blog Update Number 1

Posted on May 9, 2011 by Neil

 

…Or how to achieve success by following the author into the very heart of football bloggery…

An artistic interpretation of this blogger's response when asked to bring football bloggery of great intensity to the people of the internet. Yesterday. 27 days ago.

Well hello again, loyal readers.

Welcome to the blog that has quite literally set the internet ablaze in its 27-day existence.

In case some of you are here for the first time, drawn here by the way the football establishment has risen up in arms against the forcefully expressed views contained on this groundbreaking site, threatening the very livelihood of some of football’s most prominent names, I have only one question for you:

What took you so long?

That was rhetorical, mind. I don’t care about the answer. All that matters is that you are here now, dear sweet reader. And together we will accomplish something great. I recently had a dream that prophesised untold riches for me and my legions of followers. Stick with me, boys and girls, and together we will go as far as a Titus Bramble mishit.

So far you will have missed eight posts, combining both old and new articles, the brand new and the rehashed lovingly updated. Where else would you find an article on playing in goal in the Berlin Freizeitliga followed by an essay-length, fact-based criticism of England’s Michael Owen. Hell, there was even a guest posting by Haynesy, that walking warning of what happens when you agree to get tattooed for the sole reason that a mate half-heartedly suggested it…

Such variety.

And long may it continue. And I promise you, dear readers, that it will continue. I have lots of ideas for future entries – more than you could shake a stick at (if you are particularly inclined to shake sticks).

If you have been following from the beginning, you will notice that I have changed the blog title from ‘To be Conformed’ – which I was actually really fond of – to the winning reader contribution, ‘Wor Man in Berlin’.

This makes sense as I’m in Berlin, and it is a rip-off of ‘Our Man in Berlin’, with a little bit of Whitley Bay flavour added.

So, the winner of the Mars Bar for the new blog title suggestion is…

Drum Roll…

Neil Cranswick.

I think this man has a bright future. And you will too, dear reader – all because of Your Man in Berlin.

Did you see what I did there?

Nice.

Anyway, the Mars bar presentation ceremony will be held when I get paid next. I expect that I will have a live feed on this website.

Naturally, you are all invited, dear readers.

Until next time.

Neil Cranswick
Blogger Extraordinaire*

*Please note that this title is still self-conferred, and has not yet been awarded by a person holding a position of responsibility in the internet.

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From the Outside, Looking in

Posted on May 6, 2011 by Neil

 

…Or an Arsenal fan’s view of Newcastle…

**Special Guest Post**

(this means no pictures with bad captions relating to yesterday and no mention of Shola Ameobi’s love of hats).

Written by Haynesy, an Arsenal fan and mate. He is also the only person I know of who has a tattoo of one of my scribbles on one of the fleshy parts of his body…

“You might think that all I’m going to do for the duration of this piece is slate Newcastle and laugh at their inability to win a major trophy for God knows how many years but, believe it or not I won’t be. I have supported Arsenal all my life and I have lived in Newcastle all my life. I have grown up with friends who are lifelong Newcastle fans, and have watched the many ups and downs which go alongside supporting the club.

Newcastle fans are notorious for their support of their team both home and away, something I have witnessed on the many occasions I have been to St. James’s Park to watch Arsenal. I’ve sat with both the home and away fans at these games, and the Atmosphere has always been brilliant.

Newcastle’s fan base is second to none – there is no doubting that at all. They may, however, sometimes become disillusioned by the team’s inability to perform at the highest level. Some Newcastle fans I know are convinced the team is well-equipped enough to compete at the top of the table season after season, but when I look through the team I don’t see many, if any, world class players.

A lot of people I speak to say that Enrique has been the best player in the team this season. Enrique plays full back and, take it from me as someone who plays full back (apart from the odd cameo in goal), it is a very difficult position from which to make an impact on a team’s performance. Rarely will a full back get man of the match. Enrique is one of the only outstanding players in the team currently. However, he hasn’t even had a sniff of an international call up from Spain, and they only really have Capdevilla as a recognised left back. I wonder if this would be the case if Enrique was at a different club?

When I look back at some of the players that Newcastle has had over the years, there has been quite a range, from the sublime to the downright ridiculous. Ginola, Beardsley and Shearer stand out, to name just a few, but then I look at some of the other players. Players who, in my opinion, didn’t really give a shit about the team. Dyer and Bramble are two that stick in my mind here. I lost count of how many time I went drinking in Newcastle and seen them in VIP lounges with bottles of Cristal and hordes of hanger-ons. Part of me thinks they were only at the club for the Nightlife – they certainly didn’t care about the club. Newcastle fans are very demanding, which is fair enough, and if they don’t think their players are performing, they are among the first to let them know. I’m sure it was Dyer who once described being at Newcastle as “like being in a goldfish bowl” (Neil: Jenas, actually. Dyer certainly could have felt that, although I imagine this was cushioned by the £60,000 per week he took home). Fans look up to these players and they do nothing but take this piss. However it does seem that Stephen Ireland may be falling into this category, as someone here for the drink and money rather than actually wanting to play for the club. I hope I’m wrong, and I do actually think he could be a good buy for the club once he pulls his finger out. Nolan and Ireland in the centre of midfield could be quite a formidable partnership.

Goals seem to have been very hard to come by this season, with a centre midfielder currently standing at the top of the team’s goal scoring chart. Don’t get me wrong, this is a fantastic achievement for a midfielder, but a team can’t rely on a midfielder to score goals. I know £35 million was too good to turn down for Carroll, but with no one to replace him in the current squad at the time of the transfer, I would have tried to keep him until the end of the season, because the timing didn’t give the club enough time to bring a decent replacement in. With Newcastle looking likely to be sat mid-table at the end of the season, it may prove difficult to attract a top striker to the club. Not having the lure of European football could prove to be a sticking point.

I don’t  see Newcastle making any great advances in terms of progressing up the league anytime soon, although they have done well to avoid going straight back down without really spending big, and with the transfer money from Carroll it will be interesting to see who Pardew brings in. More Ginola’s and less Bramble’s and Dyer’s are what are needed, players with flair and who actually care about the club – not just going out every Saturday night and getting hammered. Newcastle will do well to keep ahold of the likes of Enrique and Nolan, but other than those two I can see much room for improvement. Somebody who can partner Collocini at the back and one or two decent strikers are definitely needed. Ben Arfa looks to be a really good player (Arsene Wenger, who knows a thing or two about French players, has been a long-term admirer of the Frenchman) and signing him on a permanent deal is a fantastic move by the club.

So onwards and upwards Newcastle, as long as you spend wisely and keep the players you really should be looking to keep.

Shola ain’t no Andy Carroll, let’s face it.”

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In With the New?

Posted on May 5, 2011 by Neil

 

…Or how to mess up black and white stripes…

What do most people think of when they think of Newcastle United?

All joking aside, the famous black and white stripes would be high on the list. Players, managers, owners, and even fans come and go, but the stripes have been there since shortly after the East and West End clubs united in 1892 to set the footballing world alight (ok, well maybe not, but still…)

So what is Newcastle without our famous black and white stripes?

We will find out next season.

Bathe in luxury? Tomorrow's kit. Yesterday.

To describe the shirt, it is best to divide it into the two separate parts it actually is. The shirt has white sleeves and a black torso. So, in essence, it is a black shirt with white sleeves.

I can imagine the conversation at Puma HQ’s quality control room as they double-checked the final strip design before presenting to the club.

“Black: check. White: check.”
“Cracking. We got a winner here.”
“Oh, hang on boss. There was another checkbox on the other side of the page. We never seen it.”
“Fuck. Well, Tompkins, what is it?”
“Just says ‘stripes’ boss”.
“Shit me. It has to be ready to present in ten minutes. Does it say how many stripes?”
“No. Just ‘stripes’.”
“So more than one… Hmm… Tell you what Tompkins – pass me that Tipex, I got an idea.”

So, this design pays a half-hearted lip service to tradition with its two thin white stripes as a seeming afterthought, a (probable) late addition to the all-black (with white sleeves, naturally) strip that would have sold in the millions.

It’s not even like this was a strip from back in the club archives, as was the case when Arsenal dumped their traditional colours for the famous ‘redcurrant’ strip. We have never played in anything similar.

Dennis Bergkamp in 'Redcurrant' and laughing at Kevin Nolan in the new Toon kit. Yesterday.

To me, Newcastle home kits were usually always cool. There was just something unendingly trendy about simple black and white stripes. There have been some canny  away kits, and some shite ones, but the home kit is Newcastle United. That is how people see Newcastle. The memories of the Solero, or the hideous Asics green and blue away kit don’t last long outside of the area.

The only plus side with this design is that there will be a new one the season after that (unless you have kids to buy kits for. But still. Howay man. It’s shite).

The two home Puma efforts haven’t been brilliant, and are some climb down in style from even some of the less good Adidas kits. It’s almost like they’ve been made on the cheap with their stick-on badges, which is ironic as the price for one is now £50.

Shirts with properly stitched-on badges are only available to Toon Army 12th Man members, but even then that is not the proper badge, but a gold version. Why? Did we win something? Why the hell gold? What happened to a proper badge?

Squint at the picture again.

Bathe in luxury. Tomorrow's kit. Yesterday. Again.

Look at Kevin Nolan, standing proud, hiding his embarrassment behind a sly grin. He looks like a waiter in a fancy restaurant. Black tie and waistcoat, white shirt.

Red strips seemingly strike fear into opponents, causing an increase in the heart rate. Yellow is easily seen out of the corner of the eye. Each strip has its own theory behind it. Newcastle’s new strip give an illusion of class, while ultimately taking your money in return for something unexpected and unwanted.

Sound like the Ashley administration?

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