… Or how to use statistics to prove any point you want, even if it blurs the boundaries between fiction and reality…
Welcome to the first in an entirely new feature, where I compare Shola to some of the greatest comic book superheroes. And by ‘entirely new’, I mean based on the series I did comparing him to other strikers.
Who’s up first?
Step up, Spider-Man.
So, without further ado, I’m gonna dive in like a toddler in a ball pool and compare them side-by-side. No expense spared.
|Peter Parker / Spider-Man
||Shola Ameobi / The Pendower Pele
|Peter Parker was born a man. No comparison. 0/10||Birth||We all know that the Ryton Rumenigge was purposefully-bred for the sole purpose of destroying the hopes and dreams of those from that village down the road. He’s like a tin of Ronseal – he does his one job, the one he was made for, and he does it like a boss. 10/10|
|Peter Parker was bitten by a spider. I mean, really – who gets bit by a spider nowadays – at least in England (and without sticking their hand in a tarantula’s tank and prodding it robustly with a finger)? Not very realistic. 2/10||Obtaining superpower
||The Heaton Hagi was created under highly-controlled laboratory conditions for his purpose While this may seem a bit boring, it at least means that no animals were harmed in the process. Well, except for the mackem babies he was fed on to fuel his rage. 4/10|
|He can shoot webs from his hand. That’s pretty cool and all, but, at the end of the day, I bet he wish he could be invisible, or fly, or punch through walls. Plus, it’s a bit manky, as that webbing stuff as got to be covered in mucous. 7/10
||Superpower||Maybe scoring against sunderland is not a superpower, after all, a lot of players have done it. Hell, even England’s Michael Owen did it in one of his spells away from the national team. Grudgingly, I’ll have to give this round against the the Dudley Di Stefano. 2/10|
|Doc Ock – check. Green Goblin – check. Loads of others. Aye, he’s pretty much done it all. 9/10
||They would hardly class as supervillains, what with the word ‘super’ implying either unnatural intelligence or power (unnatural as in unnaturally high, not plankton-like), but the sheer level of effortless control the Ouseburn Okocha exhibits over a large town based on the river Wear (and its stadium of empty pink plastic seats) is frightening. Like a god toying with ants. 10/10|
|Spider-Man, beneath his pretty little suit, is just a human. And humans fart. Farts release methane into the environment, making trees cry (or something). 0/10
||Environmental effect||Not only is the Monkseaton Milla not human, but, as we have previously discovered, he is completely solar-powered! How fucking green is that!? 10/10
|Peter Parker is an orphan living with his kindly aunt and uncle. Well brought-up and very keen to help others. A success story from a situation where it could have all ended up badly. 9/10
||Family||The Camperdown Caniggia is closely-related to two other models: the malfunctioning Ameobi 2.0 and the highly-promising Ameobi 3.0. They experience none of the weaknesses that he human race is susceptible to. 8/10|
|None. Pretty fucking poor for a so-called superhero. 0/10
||Goals against the mackems
||It is well known that the Wrekenton Weah loves playing against the unwashed. In fact, especially since we currently have the Double Demba strike partnership running smoothly, I reckon we could shut the Gosforth Garrincha down between derby games, thereby prolonging his life cycle by at least another two generations. 10/10|
|Peter Parker has never been to Stoke. He has, however, been to nearby Newcastle-under-Lyme as he confused it with the real Newcastle. I’ll give him a three for effort. 3/10
||Stoke||The Saltwell Socrates went down to Stoke to try and teach them how to play the beautiful game. It did not work. As seen in the Old Testament, sometimes even God loses patience. 8/10
|He wears a latex suit and he wears it well. If anyone has seen some of the magazines we get over here in Berlin, latex can be a very hard look to pull off, so to speak. 10/10
||Wearing a latex suit
||The Fenham Fontaine only ever wears NUFC-approved merchandise. Never latex. No hat would look good with latex, so that’s a non-starter. 0/10
|Spider-Man’s mask does cover the top of the head, but it would look pretty weird if it didn’t. Either way, calling it a hat is a bit of a stretch… stretch! Do you see what I did there? 1/10
||Everybody knows that the St James’ Park Shola loves hats. In fact, I bet everyone has this video saved on their Youtube favourites. 10/10
So, what are the scores on the doors?
Spider-Man scores 41/100.
The Fenham Eusebio scores 72/100.
So, there you have it folks. A decisive points victory for the legend that is Shola Ameobi. And scientific proof that he is more worthy of a Hollywood movie than Peter Parker and his magnificent spunk-shooting wrists.
For those who missed it, the Ameobi dynasty article is here – and it’s highly-recommended. By me.