The Second Coming


…Or how to delay doing household tasks by writing about the Ameobi dynasty…

This tweet from @El_Mantis got me thinking about The Ameobis:

To be strictly honest, I am usually thinking about The Ameobis. But, when recalling this tweet this morning, it got me thinking more specifically about the Ameobi breeding programme.

Forget GMF (Genetically Modified Foods). Newcastle currently have GMA (Genetically modified Ameobis).

For simplicity, and as I’m canny lazy, I will refer to the Ameobis as such from now on:

Ameobi 1.0 (Shola, destroyer of mackems)
Ameobi 2.0 (Tomi)
Ameobi 3.0 (Sammy)

Amoebi 3.0 and Ameobi 1.0. Ameobi 3.0 likes boots, and has them in different colours and styles.

Newcastle United have fooled the world. Think of Newcastle’s finances over the last decade or so: Lots of big fees and high wages. In other words, a waste of money on players not fit to wear the shirt.

But one of the smaller recurring costs the club has paid, which is often overlooked, has been to the ‘Ameobi Breeding Programme’. And it is set to pay off big style with Ameobi 3.0, the accumulation of decades of effort to create the perfect footballer.

Ameobi 1.0 ticked most of the basic requirements the Toon’s Ameobi-breeders were given. Tall, strong striker: check. Plays through pain: check. And, of course, top of the list – scores against the mackems: check mate!

However Ameobi 1.0 also came with a number of bugs, as is often the case when a new model is released. Newcastle rushed him onto the pitch, understandably excited to see how their venture into creating the ultimate footballer was progressing. As such, offside control was not included in Ameobi 1.0. Balance was also overlooked, perhaps understandably, in favour of scoring goals against the mackems. And while Ameobi 1.0 had at least a degree of pace at first, the wear and tear on his exterior has had more of an effect on his pace than any of the scientists could have predicted.

Despite his faults, however, science (me) has recently proven that Ameobi 1.0 is the best striker in the world at present in a series of articles here, here and here.

Ameobi 2.0 was the next off the production line. Sometimes scientists get things wrong. In an effort to iron out the faults of the first model, something went wrong. He is still a serviceable model, but not of the quality required of the GMA programme, and as such Newcastle chose not to take him on, but instead release him into the real world to fend for himself.

Ameobi 3.0. Well, after the relative failure of Ameobi 2.0, the scientists were locked in a room and, using the computers left over from Sam Allardyce’s (thankfully) short reign at the club, set about creating the ultimate footballer.

I have spoken to one of the scientists from the GMA programme and, on condition of anonymity, he assured me that Amoebi 3.0 is the most effective Ameobi yet produced. He could even be the perfect human being. They are so worried that they have created a “God among men” that they have sabotaged all of their equipment, so that Ameobi 3.0 could never be replicated.

“Ameobi 1.0 was a great start. He was rushed out, a little, however, I will admit. Some of the bugs weren’t fully ironed out. The main problem with Ameobi 1.0 was the solar panel on the back of his head to power to processor. We failed to realise that his hat obsession (which we added at a late stage to create a sense of personality that was otherwise lacking) would lead to this being covered most of the time, leading to his processor, and him by extension, operating at a fraction of his optimum power.”

“Amoebi 2.0? I think we did try too hard, but he had potential. Those at the top decided we should just move on to the next model. It was a shame, but that’s the way it often works in this line of business.”

“The potential of Ameobi 3.0 is frightening. If this boy wants to, he could bring peace to the Middle East, solve the banking crisis and score four against the mackems with his perfectly created left foot in the same afternoon without breaking a sweat.”

“You seen what happened against Chelsea? He was on the pitch a matter of minutes, and his presence so unnerved the Chelsea team that Newcastle salvaged a late equaliser. If he had been on the pitch longer a few minutes longer, they would have scored again. Easily. He has some kind of powerful charisma that just awes other teams. We’ve combed the notes, and we can’t explain it. He just seems to exude a naked power. The only thing I can think of to explain it is that he was accidentally hit on the head with a bible in the development stage. If I wasn’t a scientist, and I didn’t think God was just a fairytale, I would maybe believe that at that moment he received the power of God. He also ate a copy of the Koran, but you’re not gonna draw me into speculating on that.”

I called him again after last night’s Darlington game, where a pitch invasion followed an Ameobi 3.0 goal.

“You have to remember he is still evolving. He’s like a boy superhero at the minute. He needs to learn to control both his primary and secondary powers. But he is a good boy, and it will come with time.”

The future is bright. Not just for us, but for the world.

Unless he develops a hat obsession.

About Neil

28 years old. Geordie. Lived in Berlin almost three years. All-round canny lad.
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9 Responses to The Second Coming

  1. Alex says:

    You seem to have neglected mentioning the ameobi prototype – Ameobi v 0.5. This model was build with sheer power and speed in mind and graced the athletic tracks of Engand a few years back. version 0.5 was code named Titi. I am led to believe that model 0.5 was the foundation of the ameobi project.

    • Neil says:

      Good call. I am not aware if Ameobi 0.5 was NUFC funded, or an independent trial run, so will stick with my current numbering system.

  2. Stu says:

    I agree-your numbering system passes the most invigorous of quality checks. Can it Haynsey!ah thats right- i’m getting involved!

  3. Gooner Haynes says:

    My banter is awesome and you know it!

    • Neil says:

      Only when compared to Shafty… Though you agreed to get a tattoo on your arse, so that does go in the ‘plus’ column

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