…Or how to stoke up tension before a derby game…
I can be topical. See this here, I wrote this at Christmas. Very topical I thought.
Ok, that was the same link as before, but I did five fucking instalments! In the age of blogging, that was like Homer’s fucking Odyssey!
Anyhoo, back on to the main reason I’m here.
The Tyne – Wear derby.
Everyone knows that it is coming up this Sunday, even those living in a box (hello my readers in sunderland!)
And Ameobi 1.0 is rightly worshipped across the world, except in the small patch of wasteland not far south of God’s greatest city and the hometown of Jesus (the early Christians who wrote the Bible moved the action from Newcastle-upon-Tyne to Jerusalem to try and get a hold on the lucrative Middle East market).
So why do these poor souls from sunderland hate Ameobi 1.0 so much? I’ll give you five reasons.
1. Because he’s from a better city.
I say city, as that is what Newcastle is. albania on Wear, being a town, can’t rightly compare. It’s like comparing apples and oranges. Guns and butter. Yohan Cabaye and Lee Cattermole. Even if we set aside the requirements for a city, which everyone who calls the village of the damned a city does, it is just a poor imitation. Where is the mainline train station? Where is the airport (or, to give it its full name, the Newcastle Foluwashola Ameobi International Airport)? That’s right. To get to sunderland from anywhere civilised, you have to pass through Newcastle. That’s like walking through a high class brothel to go to the school dinner lady’s bedroom for sex. If the dinner lady was a cousin.
Anyway, I digress. As a representative of all that is good about Newcastle, they focus their envy-fuelled hatred on the Benton Baggio.
2. Because he is responsible for the Metro.
I know what you’re thinking. Actually, I probably don’t. But still, if you’re anything like me, you must think I’ve been smoking crack. The Metro system opened in 1980 – Shola was created as part of a genetic experiment in 1981. How does that work Neil?
I’ll tell you.
In 2002, when the Gosforth Garrincha was busy scoring at the Nou Camp and proving that football was too easy for him, he decided, as a side-hobby, to part-fund the expansion of the Metro system south of Gateshead into the heart of albania on Wear.
Us on the north side of the divide were outraged. We didn’t want it made easier for them to reach Newcastle and its range of national and international transport hubs.
But, as he so always is, the Ridges Rivaldo was several steps ahead of us (in an offside position). By making it so easy for the underprivileged to reach the cradle of civilisation, it would reinforce their awareness of how pitiful their existences were.
We shouldn’t complain. We should be happy that they go back home and have to compare their monotonous village existence with that of a thriving metropolis.
They hate him for this reminder of their inadequacy.
3. He hates red and white stripes.
A picture paints a thousand words, so the old saying goes.
You know why the Pendower Pele’s loan move at Stoke didn’t work out? Aside from the fact he plays like a chilled-out Brazilian, and not Robert Huth?
Because he hates red and white stripes. It’s like a shark sniffing blood in the water. He sees a red and white striped shirt, and the only thing that can stop him tearing the head of its wearer and devouring their soul is the act of scoring a goal. It’s like classical music to his tortured soul.
So why did he go to Stoke, I hear you ask?
It was a dare. We all know Shola loves a good game of truth or dare, and someone thought he would be fazed by taking his ball skills to Stoke City Rugby Club. He wasn’t. Because he is better than Stoke.
And the mackems hate that.
4. He’s scored more goals in European football than their whole team.
Total number of goals in European football:
sunderland afc – five
The Wansbeck Weah – twelve.
That’s right, the Fenham Eusebio has scored over twice as many goals in European football as a whole fucking team has in its entire history!
What is there to like about that if you’re from the village of the damned?
5. If a picture paints a thousand words, how many words are these videos worth?