Sho(la)down. Round Three.

… Or how to use statistics to prove any point you want, even if this time it is not ridiculous…

Welcome to the third in what could become a regular feature, where I compare Shola to some of the world’s leading strikers. Except this time, it is not one of the world’s greats…

Round Three.

Who is next:

Y U No

England's Michael Owen.

Oh yes. I went there again!

Step up, England’s Michael Owen.

As this series usually looks at the world’s greatest strikers, and this is clearly an exception (despite his recent Premiership medal, won after the one start he made all season), I have used a different format and scoring system to make it seem more like a Summer Special.

So, here we can compare them side-by-side. No expense spared.


England’s Michael Owen Shola Ameobi
It all starts on the training ground. Coming in every day and being one of the lads, working together to create something great. But EMO is not one of the lads, displaying his aloofness by coming to training in a helicopter when at NUFC. 4/10 


The Pendower Pele, however, travels by bike. A man of the people, not only is he environmentally-aware, but by ensuring he turns up already warm, he guarantees that the defenders will face a torrid time in training up against him. 10/10
Number 10 at Liverpool. Number 11 at Real Madrid. Number 10 at Newcastle. Number 7 while nominally at Manchester United. How can he expect to leave a lasting legacy with that kind of indecisive attitude. 4/10 

Squad number

The Big Sho has stuck with number 23 through thick and thin. The number is synonomous with Michael Jordan, and we at (me) feel this is a valid comparison. 10/10
Full marks here. He does it well. But what do you expect. He has to be one of the highest-paid benchwarmers in the world. 10/10


The Fenham Eusebio has certainly done his share of benchwarming. About 40% of his Premier League appearances have come from the bench. Despite this promise, he has been completely unable to match EMO in this regard recently. 4/10 

I have never seen EMO wear a hat. So I Googled it. Still nothing. Maybe his head never gets cold. Either way, it’s disappointing. 0/10

Wearing of hats

We all know The Benton Baggio loves hats. He has a huge collection, in all the different shapes and colours that God created. 10/10 

EMO recently said that, “as long as my family don’t boo me, I don’t care”. That implies his family have been known to boo him. Disappointing for such a ‘devoted family man’ (I’m sure that was in his brochure somewhere). 6/10


Two of the Heaton Hagi’s brothers have played professional football. In fact, the only reason Newcastle never signed Tomi was that they thought playing three Ameobis in the same team would be so powerful a force it would destroy the space-time continuum. 10/10 

Never let down his country (usually at the expense of his club side), but also never spurred them on to any championships. 8/10

International effect

Despite not playing a full international, his decision to opt for Nigeria inspired the players to beat Argentina 4-1 in a recent friendly. If they can do that without the Lagos Laudrup, the future is bright for the Super Eagles when he does finally stroll onto the pitch. 7/10 

Two, which he “will never forget”. You would think Newcastle fans would remember them more, bearing in mind he didn’t play that many other games for the club. 6/10

Goals v mackems

It is well known that the Rye Hill Ronaldo loves playing against the unwashed. In fact, goals against the mackems have kept him young – I mean, he’s been playing for us for eleven years already, and is showing no signs of slowing down! Or getting slower, which is probably a more accurate description… 10/10 

HA! Next topic. -10/10

Value for Money

The Walker Weah cost the Toon nowt, and we have gotten eleven years from him. That is like dividing by zero. Which everyone knows you can’t do, as the answer is Shola. 20/10 (his ten plus EMO’s ten)
HA! 0/10

Playing through injury

The ultimate sign of commitment to the cause. The Cullercoats Cruyff is always injured. He played a whole season without a hip. The man bleeds black and white. Literally. Probably. 10/10
Widely alleged, and we have to respect that if it is true. 10/10

Support for anti-penguin prostitution charities

Not that we are aware of. The Slatyford Stoichkov probably has bigger fish to fry, so to speak. I bet he spends most of his spare time playing with voodoo dolls of the mackem back four. And who could blame him? 0/10 

So, what are the scores on the doors?

England’s Michael Owen scores 38/100.

The Fenham Eusebio scores 91/100.

So, there you have it folks. A decisive points victory for the legend that is Shola Ameobi. And scientific proof that he is nearly two-and-a-half times the striker the England’s Michael Owen is.

Can't stop me now!


About Neil

28 years old. Geordie. Lived in Berlin almost three years. All-round canny lad.
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