… Or how to bow to pressure and write more about the Ameobis…
Some people wanted a serious season preview. Hell, I even wanted to write one. But then, I asked my audience of dedicated Twitter followers (incidentally you can follow my Twitter account for shorter versions of this sort of shite here). The overwhelming response was to do more Ameobi pieces. So, here I am, treading a similar path to some of my other stuff, with a brand spanking new feature entitled:
Football’s first family
It only gets better, baby!*
So, where should I start this quest to find Football’s First Family?
Why not at Barrack Road, where two of the Ameobis currently reside in a secure underground complex.
So, in the fashion of pub pool across the world, this series will be a case of winner stays on. And the Ameobis were first to put their 50p on the table.
Which family is their first challenger then, to be the greatest family in football history?
So, after checking to see that cheeky ‘Arry’s coin will work in a standard pool table (you would, wouldn’t you?), the Ameobis accept the challenge and pimp-stroll to the head of the table to break.
|It has been well-documented that the Ameobis were bred in a special NUFC compound for footballing purposes. Have you ever seen CSI. Those sort of labs are as clean as a nun’s… yeah… so there is no way they could be compromised. Pure, thoroughbred football machines. 10/10
|Redknapp senior was possibly born to circus folk passing through London. I don’t really know and I can’t be arsed to check Wikipedia. All I know is he wasn’t bred for footballing purposes. He was probably bred to rip off old women on a market stall, if Eastenders is anything to go by. I’ll give them four points though, as Redknapp junior was born outside of London at least. 4/10
|Not my dad, obviously. Stick with me, it will start making sense soon. The Ameobis were fathered by science, and, unless you’re in part of the Southern United States, nothing tops science. Or unless you’re an Insane Clown Posse fan, in which case it’s “Magic up in this bitch”, not religion or science. 10/10
|Knowing My Dad
|Redknapp junior, as an expert on Sky Sports, said the following after Spurs had lost to Real Madrid in the Champions League: “Knowing my dad, he wouldn’t be happy about that”. I’m glad he cleared up any lingering doubt that he knew his dad. And I thank him for pointing out that his dad could be upset. I for one wasn’t sure how he would have reacted, so thanks Jamie. You truly do know your dad. But still, science would kick ‘Arry’s head in in a fight. Hell, so would the Insane Clown Posse, and they’re below religion and science in the grand scheme of things. Two of them, mind. And one is a bit of a porker. 8/10
|Ameobi 1.0 rarely speaks, but when he does it is in the seductive purr of a jungle cat. I have never heard Ameobi 3.0 speak, but I imagine that the deep baritone he has could paralyse a squirrel from 100 yards. Like Barry White speaking through a didgeridoo. Before he died, obviously. But if anyone could make Barry White speak after death, I would bet it would be those two. 10/10
|‘Arry has an annoying, world-weary cockney accent. And Jamie is just bland. Except when giving insights into his dad’s mental state. Don’t forget, he knows him. 3/10
|Going offside is not a bad thing when done properly. It stretches the defence, and means that the defenders always have to keep their heads on swivels to make sure the striker doesn’t loop back onside at a crucial moment. And no one in the history of the game (not even Pele) has been offside as many times as Shola. 10/10
|Jamie Redknapp is never offside – he is too busy in the Sky Sports studio having his sex life discussed by old perverts. And ‘Arry is too busy patrolling the touchline like a hyperactive bloodhound with a bong eye. Neither of them threaten a defence like the Ameobis. 0/10
|No scandal. Not even a sniff of it. They exist solely to play football and indulge in the harmless collection of either hats (Ameobi 1.0) or football boots (Ameobi 3.0). 10/10
|Scandalous sex life
|Discussing Jamie’s spicy sex life was one of the reasons behind Sky Sports’ sacking of Andy Gray and Richard Keys. Talk about scandal. 0/10
|The Ameobis don’t even use pens. They were bred to be scared of pen so that they could never sign a contract for another football club. Remember when Ameobi 1.0 was meant to be going to Ipswich? He got there and, when they presented him with a pen to sign the contract, he got so scared he hopped on his bike and cycled back to Newcastle, eating an apple to calm his shattered nerves. Anyway, the point I am trying to make (I think), is that the Ameobis couldn’t sign shit foreign players as they don’t use pens. They only score them. Ha, that just came to me as I was typing it! I’ll give them double points just for that. My talent is wasted here, you know… 20/10
|Signing shit foreign footballers
|Marc Boogers. Florin Raducioiu. You need more. Let me just point out here, though, ‘Arry has been cleared of all investigations thus far into receiving bribes in return for signing players. So, there is no excuse for these signings, really, is there? Though, he gets six points just for not signing Jean-Alain Boumsong. 6/10
|No one knows exactly how long Ameobi 1.0 will last at the top level – it will depend on the level of wear and tear on his machinery. He should be around for at least three more years of scoring against the mackems though. Unless they get relegated. Which is always a possibilty. And Ameobi 3.0 has the world at his feet. 10/10
|‘Arry has one more year before it all goes wrong in my opinion. His expensively-assembled squad, many of whom look like schoolgirls (Bale, Modric, Corluka and Crouch as a gangly teenager), will not finish in the top four, meaning that their high wages will eat into the club, rotting it from the inside. And without the ability to provide genuine insight into the next Spurs manager, the thoroughly bland Jamie will not last long on Sky Sports. Still, ‘Arry could have jumped into the England job by then, paving the way for a job for Jamie at whichever channel shows England games (I don’t watch them, sorry). 5/10
|Robert Lee. The greatest midfielder I have ever seen. He played for Toon while the Ameobi programme was just beginning to bear fruit. Rumour has it some of his DNA was used in the process. If Rob Lee was playing for a London club he would have had at least twice the caps he did. And the fact that Lampard has so many more than Lee is a disgrace. 10/10
|Black Ball: Lampard/Lee
|Related to Frank Lampard. Who is a poor man’s Rob Lee. In a bigger pair of shorts. 0/10
In fact, sod this.
Frank Lampard has 86 England caps. And counting.
Rob Lee got 21.
Unbelievable. The London factor at work again. Parker and Ginola win the Football Writers’ Player of the Year playing for London clubs, despite playing to the same level they did when they were at Newcastle in previous years.
Rob Lee was twice the player Frank Lampard was.
I’m not even gonna add the points up anymore. Ameobi whitewash. Woohoo. Let’s go back to our lives. Which don’t count for as much as we’re not in London.
*This is not a guarantee that this article will get better